Appreciate what everyone has said. I've never been the type to come out and talk like this. Always pretty secluded. I always worry, that speaking in a setting like this, will make people think i'm an attention seeker of sorts. But i've learned that that worry in itsself is part of my **** anxiety. It plays a huge part in my day-to-day dealings with people. The, "if i say this, they'll think that" is killer. It'll drive you insane if you're not careful. Even right now i'm having thoughts of deleting this topic just because i don't want to be "that guy".
As i said before, i've always been an introvert. Never liked talking a whole lot about feelings and all that. I've tried to make an appointment with a "head doc" as i call them. I've made 2 appointments and backed out of each one last minute. The "i'm fine, don't need no **** head doc to tell me what i already know" kicks in.
Yeah i felt alot better when i was busy. A combination of my own anger and my stubborness to never waiver, in a sense, ended it. I still scrap, extremely small time. I'm talking aluminum cans and that's that.
My court date is in 2 days. I'm hoping i can tell the judge that i have an appointment with a head doc pending, and that will hold up. It's not lying, it is pending. He still calls me and leaves me voicemails. Which i cannot listen too because my **** phone's shut off now. $105 a month, right.
Appreciate your kind words, Bear.
Brandon i've been trying to use my dads C-Pap machine at night. But even that comes with a hitch. **** thing sounds like a hurricane attached to your face. When i wake from a night terror, all of a sudden something is latched onto my face, which makes me fight. So for a few seconds im swinging at the air like an idiot. I'm sure if it was filmed we'd all have a good laugh, haha.
Olddude you've always had nothin but nice things to say to me, even when i didn't deserve it. I think the old expression goes "our mind is our own worst enemy". With my bipolar, one minute i'm happy, on top of the world, wanting to do anything and everything, next i feel like id be better off eating the business end of a 12 gauge. That will NEVER happen. I'm loved by my family too much, and my dad needs someone to take care of him. I couldn't ever follow through with it. But sometimes, when the sadness hits me so hard that i can't muster up the energy to even divert my eyes or blink, and i feel that all too physical pain in my chest that i don't know what it is, i feel very vulnerable. Which is why we have a gun safe.
Miked we've been looking into just simple treatment for me, due to Agent Orange, but no luck. The Government barely recognized they even used AO in Vietnam about 5 years ago. I'm guessing it'll be many years down the road until the next of kin is acknowledged. MANY medical professionals have recognized how AO affects the next of kin. Short version, it in a sense, screws with your DNA make up. I have white marks on my arms and back, that if i knick at all, bleed and bleed and bleed. They then get bigger. Eventually, some will become either benign, or cancerous, it's a crap shoot. My dad has had numerous benign tumors removed. One on his arm, 2 in his neck, (they now recognize yet another growth in his neck) one on his nostril, a few on his back, 1 on his leg, and yet another growth in his nasal cavity. We'll see how that works out. My lungs are already affected. As well as tendon break down. Don't get me wrong, i can still work. But i have to be EXTREMELY careful about damaging myself. I already blew out both of my shoulders. Once they healed, they never really healed correctly. My shoulders constantly get "locked" in place. My elbow tendon (sorry, don't know the actual name for it) on both elbows is degrading. 24/7 pain in both of my shoulders and elbows. Their is also proof that the AO affects your mental make up. Causing imbalances that cause, basically, what i'm going through.
It's taken me about an hour to type all this out. Havent slept in 53 hours. Not bragging, just explaining.
Something has to change. Thank you all for being so caring. Yall don't even know me and you open your arms. Something else.
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