An update on me, hs nothing to do with scrap metal, and honestly not anyones business

Don't really have anyone to talk too so i thought id put some words down on "paper" here. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that. Just need to vent a little.

When i was 19 (22 now) i was diagnosed with mild OCD, sever anxiety disorder, sever bipolar disorder, night terrors, mild Agent Orange poisoning passed down through my Fathers DNA, and sleep apnea (stop breathing in your sleep). I do not take medication for anything, i don't believe in it. I think that what is "wrong" with me is all chemical, and can be changed by my own doing.

I had to step out of the scrap game when relationships broke down with the person i was renting my shop with. Basically, long and short of it, i could no longer deal with being around him. I could no longer control my anger. It was at a dangerous level. Since then i've been having a really difficult time "controlling the crazy" as i put it. My OCD is getting worse, as well as the night terrors and bipolar. Ive gotten in legal trouble now because of my anger.

I have court on the day after Christmas. How wonderful is that? Haha.

I'm wondering if their is anyone else here who has some of these problems, and does not take medication for them. I cannot afford them.

Sorry for the rambling, but i needed to just type some stuff out. Of course once i started typing everything i wanted to say went out the window. Funny how that works.

I somehow developed an ailment similar to agoraphobia(some type a fear of crowds) around 2000. It just out of the blue, one minute I'm like front row and center at like ZZ Top, then suddenly I can't even go in a store. I'm inclined, as you, to avoid meds far as possible, especially "mind" drugs or mood "enhancers", even tho antibiotics and pain pills don't bother me, and I'm not inclined to addictions with them, I have pain pills from 2003 sitting in the cabinet, which I save for pains severe enough to warrant them, but thankfully I have a very high threshold.
After studying into mine online(i found numerous "dr"s who were willing to sell a "cure"), I did find some very informative solutions that didn't require meds, mostly dealt with working your way through the fears(or whatever it was). Where I had previously had to force myself through these circumstances(I nearly drove away from my Dad's funeral after seeing the crowd) I learned there was a process of placing yourself into these situations at a lower level of "threat?" and working on through them, then gradually stepping up to another level.
I worked this over in my mind enough that it went into my subconcious, I didn't have to conciously address it, just began taking bigger and bigger steps. The last couple years I've been to family reunions etc, which I avoided before, even attempting to go, but getting halfway there and turning around. I felt my family had even disowned me by now, but thankfully found they had not
There are many different "mind games" life will play on folks, and too many think the answer lies in a drug. Maybe in some cases it's neccessary, such as a body not producing the proper chemicals to help it address these issues.
I do wish you well in your quest for a cure, or answers, whatever it is you hope to find. You certainly have my best wishes here Hoss. Please take care of yourself man, and good luck

My prayers are with you and for you. I can't say anything that Olddude hasn't already said.

Appreciate what everyone has said. I've never been the type to come out and talk like this. Always pretty secluded. I always worry, that speaking in a setting like this, will make people think i'm an attention seeker of sorts. But i've learned that that worry in itsself is part of my **** anxiety. It plays a huge part in my day-to-day dealings with people. The, "if i say this, they'll think that" is killer. It'll drive you insane if you're not careful. Even right now i'm having thoughts of deleting this topic just because i don't want to be "that guy".

As i said before, i've always been an introvert. Never liked talking a whole lot about feelings and all that. I've tried to make an appointment with a "head doc" as i call them. I've made 2 appointments and backed out of each one last minute. The "i'm fine, don't need no **** head doc to tell me what i already know" kicks in.

Yeah i felt alot better when i was busy. A combination of my own anger and my stubborness to never waiver, in a sense, ended it. I still scrap, extremely small time. I'm talking aluminum cans and that's that.

My court date is in 2 days. I'm hoping i can tell the judge that i have an appointment with a head doc pending, and that will hold up. It's not lying, it is pending. He still calls me and leaves me voicemails. Which i cannot listen too because my **** phone's shut off now. $105 a month, right.

Appreciate your kind words, Bear.

Brandon i've been trying to use my dads C-Pap machine at night. But even that comes with a hitch. **** thing sounds like a hurricane attached to your face. When i wake from a night terror, all of a sudden something is latched onto my face, which makes me fight. So for a few seconds im swinging at the air like an idiot. I'm sure if it was filmed we'd all have a good laugh, haha.

Olddude you've always had nothin but nice things to say to me, even when i didn't deserve it. I think the old expression goes "our mind is our own worst enemy". With my bipolar, one minute i'm happy, on top of the world, wanting to do anything and everything, next i feel like id be better off eating the business end of a 12 gauge. That will NEVER happen. I'm loved by my family too much, and my dad needs someone to take care of him. I couldn't ever follow through with it. But sometimes, when the sadness hits me so hard that i can't muster up the energy to even divert my eyes or blink, and i feel that all too physical pain in my chest that i don't know what it is, i feel very vulnerable. Which is why we have a gun safe.

Miked we've been looking into just simple treatment for me, due to Agent Orange, but no luck. The Government barely recognized they even used AO in Vietnam about 5 years ago. I'm guessing it'll be many years down the road until the next of kin is acknowledged. MANY medical professionals have recognized how AO affects the next of kin. Short version, it in a sense, screws with your DNA make up. I have white marks on my arms and back, that if i knick at all, bleed and bleed and bleed. They then get bigger. Eventually, some will become either benign, or cancerous, it's a crap shoot. My dad has had numerous benign tumors removed. One on his arm, 2 in his neck, (they now recognize yet another growth in his neck) one on his nostril, a few on his back, 1 on his leg, and yet another growth in his nasal cavity. We'll see how that works out. My lungs are already affected. As well as tendon break down. Don't get me wrong, i can still work. But i have to be EXTREMELY careful about damaging myself. I already blew out both of my shoulders. Once they healed, they never really healed correctly. My shoulders constantly get "locked" in place. My elbow tendon (sorry, don't know the actual name for it) on both elbows is degrading. 24/7 pain in both of my shoulders and elbows. Their is also proof that the AO affects your mental make up. Causing imbalances that cause, basically, what i'm going through.

It's taken me about an hour to type all this out. Havent slept in 53 hours. Not bragging, just explaining.

Something has to change. Thank you all for being so caring. Yall don't even know me and you open your arms. Something else.

Praying for you man, I haven't dealt with really any of these troubles myself, but have various friends who have gone/ are going through tough times. The only thing I can add to what has already been said by people much more experienced than I, is to attest to the power in positive thinking and the miracle of Prayer, personal and directed from others; I've learned this and seen it applied in my own life and many others, IE my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, did chemo for six months and got a clean bill of health.

"I'm pullin' for ya, we're all in this together." -Red Green :-D

Originally Posted by wannabemechanic

Praying for you man, I haven't dealt with really any of these troubles myself, but have various friends who have gone/ are going through tough times. The only thing I can add to what has already been said by people much more experienced than I, is to attest to the power in positive thinking and the miracle of Prayer, personal and directed from others; I've learned this and seen it applied in my own life and many others, IE my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, did chemo for six months and got a clean bill of health.

"I'm pullin' for ya, we're all in this together." -Red Green :-D

I'm a man, but i can change, if i have too, i guess.

Hoss,
I can only share about my life. I hope it will help you. A couple of years ago when my depression was at its worse I ended up in the hospital. To be perfectly clear this was the type of hospital that they lock the doors behind you. I spent a little more than a week in there and learned some really cool things. #1 there are people that can and will help me get better. Believe it or not I thought that things were so bad that they could not possibly get better. I was wrong. #2 Depression and other mental illnesses can sometimes be managed without medication - sometimes they cannot. I have been on medication ever since then. I may die on them. I also have high blood pressure. A physical illness. sometimes it can be managed without medication - sometimes it cannot. I am currently on medication for that. I will probably die on it. To me there is no difference. For what ever reason my body does not control things that others do - so for me medication does it for me.

I also have sleep apnea. I now have a breathing machine. Life is much better for me. it is a terrible spiral. I get depressed - don't sleep well -deeper depression and on and on. I would suggest you go to your local hospital or county health services. They should be able to point you in the right direction. Most places have really good mental heath services for those without health insurance. The biggest step for me was to get over my own pride. That is what kept me from the "head doctors". At first it was hard for me to use words like mental illness and mental heath.

I encourage you to at least investigate the medical side of the problem. Tell the docs how you feel about the medication. See what kind of a solution you can come up with. I can assure you that there is a better way to live than trying to work with the crazy.

Originally Posted by Mechanic688

Hoss ole buddy, I really can't believe that your an introvert because of all the nice pictures we have of you,,,,lol
I found out thru a lot of studying up that AO basically sets in your body quietly for years deteriorating the organs from the inside, till one day some stress factor kick in and brings out all your symptoms. And by then it's too late, the damage has long been done. That's what happened to me, why I'm where I'm at now.
I feel for ya but don't have any real answers for you,,,,, hang strong,,,

Exactly. As my old man says "just a ticking time bomb in my body, already went off, now just dealing with the after shocks and shrapnel". If theirs any term i've heard more, that to the average person doesn't mean a whole lot, but to the Vietnam Vet and their close family means everything, it's: "It's just a thing". It's a way of dealing with a problem by not dealing with it. I'm 22 years old and already screwed. Mentally and physically. But it's just a thing.

Originally Posted by slaghunter

Hoss,
I can only share about my life. I hope it will help you. A couple of years ago when my depression was at its worse I ended up in the hospital. To be perfectly clear this was the type of hospital that they lock the doors behind you. I spent a little more than a week in there and learned some really cool things. #1 there are people that can and will help me get better. Believe it or not I thought that things were so bad that they could not possibly get better. I was wrong. #2 Depression and other mental illnesses can sometimes be managed without medication - sometimes they cannot. I have been on medication ever since then. I may die on them. I also have high blood pressure. A physical illness. sometimes it can be managed without medication - sometimes it cannot. I am currently on medication for that. I will probably die on it. To me there is no difference. For what ever reason my body does not control things that others do - so for me medication does it for me.

I also have sleep apnea. I now have a breathing machine. Life is much better for me. it is a terrible spiral. I get depressed - don't sleep well -deeper depression and on and on. I would suggest you go to your local hospital or county health services. They should be able to point you in the right direction. Most places have really good mental heath services for those without health insurance. The biggest step for me was to get over my own pride. That is what kept me from the "head doctors". At first it was hard for me to use words like mental illness and mental heath.

I encourage you to at least investigate the medical side of the problem. Tell the docs how you feel about the medication. See what kind of a solution you can come up with. I can assure you that there is a better way to live than trying to work with the crazy.

You get it. Honestly "pride" is a huge problem for me (really? ME? prideful!??!) When it comes to my brain and what it tells me to do and not do, feel and not feel. Constantly the roller coaster of "eff it, i'm not screwed up, i'm over it" or "i'm worthless, mentally screwed, done". I'm just about over trying to control the crazy. Time for some help.

Originally Posted by Victor

Hoss,

I don't know you. I am going to give you some advise. Take it for what it is.

Get as much of the exrta weight you carry on your frame, off your frame. It will help with the apnea which will help with the bipolar mood swings. Lack of rem sleep will jack with your mood swings and the apnea long term will give you a ton of health issues and can kill you. Carrying less un-needed weight WILL help with this.

The bipolar disorder untreated WILL get worse over time. Much worse. It will get to the point that you are going to get suicidal, manic, ultra violent, you might start abusing drugs or booze to self medicate which just make things worse.....You can not fix this on your own. Your young, there is time to treat this. Your having suicidal thoughts already. They are going to get more powerful the more time passes. Do whatever you have to do to get in to see someone and get on a treatment program. You can not treat this on your own or will yourself to be "ok". It's not a matter of a tough guy being a ***** or not a matter of "it's just BS, I can handle it". It serious. Please talk to someone.

I am the son of an early Vietnam Vet that was exposed to AO. I have a variety of physical issues from skin problems to joint problems to nerve problems. They are getting worse and more numerous every year. I have no way to prove it but I am convinced it is result of that.

I agree with the weight thing. I go to the gym now. Not only for the health benefits, but for the mental health benefits. When i get angry, and i feel like i'm a huge balloon about to explode freakin' fire, running on the tread mill, or doing some kind of free-weight work outs definately help.

I'm already abusing booze. Don't mess with drugs. I drink every day, in a sad attempt to control the crazy. But i can see it's doing nothing, and that it's only making it worse. It's actually the reason i'm in legal trouble. Hell i'll tell yall, i have no shame.

I got drunk a month ago, and decided that i'm going to be angry. Well, i got angry, that i couldn't stop myself from being angry (gotta love booze). So i took it out on an ex-friend of mine. He and i had a huge falling out a while back, lots of bruised ego's over the situation. I would hear things from all of my other friends, but he would never bring it too me personally. I knocked on his door at about midnight, he came to the door, i swung, he slammed the door. So i went out to his truck and punched out his side view mirror, then the other, then broke off his antenna. Drove home. Cops were there waiting for me when i showed up. (Pretty small town, all the locals know each other, and the cops know all the locals, pretty easy to figure out where we live). LUCKILY, i hold my drunk pretty well. As in, other people don't notice it as much. The ex-friend didn't know i was drunk, and i ate a sandwhich on the way home, figuring the cops would show up. Sandwhich, a portable bottle of mouth wash, and a dip of copenhagen will cover up alot of alcohol smell. They issued me with a misdemeanor ticket. They didn't arrest me, simply because i'm friendly with alot of the local cops. They know me well, and my father well. Guess you could say it was because they had pity for me. But my charges are misdemeanor malicious injury to property, misdemeanor attempted assault. I have no lawyer, i'll own up to what i did. I'll take my consequences like a man. It was a huge wake up call for me. Since then i've stopped drinking 9, 8% alcohol sparks a day. I'm down to only 1. That's just to ease my stomach. I'm making slow process. The fact that i'm even doing this on here says something. I do agree that i cannot control the crazy on my own. After Christmas, i will be seeking professional help.

As for the AO passing down to you as well. Their are groups online for people like us. I'm not a member of them because, once again, i don't want to be the "oh, look, i'm screwed up too, give me attention" guy. But their is a movement for us. It's all a matter of time.

Sorry you're going through this. I can relate on few things you said. Can't add any advice other than what others have mentioned.

I've had to deal with sleep apnea most of my life but I didn't know about it until I was in my 30's. As a kid, I could never figure out why my bed covers would always end up on the floor while I was sleeping. Through my childhood I was always sleepy for the first half of the day. I would often have trouble getting out of bed in the morning and my grades in school were always bad. I always did above average on standardized tests so they knew that I wasn't an idiot but I would daydream in class and hardly ever get any work done.

I won't get into all of the other problems that I've had but looking back on the situation, I now realize that most of my life problems originated from me being tired. Even in my adult life, I was often mean, cranky, and not very happy. Then once I got the treatment that I needed, I was a brand new person. Now I wake up happy and smiling vs. a few years ago when I'd wake up irritable and nasty.


Not to sound like the resident expert here but I also learned that diet has a lot to do with mental health as well as physical health. I think that the majority of the processed and refined foods that we eat has something to do with our health problems. Then there are experts who claim that there is a link between the consumption of excess sugar and mental illness. What do they know? I'm not sure but they do make some compelling arguments.

I was watching the "Supersize Me" movie (where the guy ate McDonalds for an entire month) and he went to a special high school for kids with behavioral problems. The principal talked about how he saw a sharp decrease in fights, conflicts, etc. when their cafeteria changed their menu. The typical lunch was full of starch, sugar, fat and sodium. When they changed over to healthier low-fat low-sodium meals that included fresh veggies and fruits and eliminated the soda machines, the school became more "civil".

But I know that eating good food compared to the crap that most of us eat on daily basis is easier said than done.. especially if it doesn't quite fit your budget. Produce is expensive and you gotta make the time to prepare it and because it's very perishable, if you happen to get a few busy days back-to-back you just watch it all spoil in the fridge.

Court went well. Got off with 1 year unsupervised probation, $300 fine, and 60 days suspended jail time if i screw up within 1 year.

But...

After court, the guy that owns the truck i "damaged" showed up too the court house. I was walking back to my truck, he parked next too mine. He had his lawyer with him.

He proceeded to badger me verbally, about how "big of a piece of **** your are, go back to your trailer park and **** your sister" type stuff. I looked at his lawyer, looked at my friend that was with me. He was recording on his cell phone already. I told the guy to go away, step out of the way of my truck (he was in the way of me opening my truck door, and he parked about 9 inches from it). He did not, he laughed and said "aw, whats the problem? your ****ing beer gut get in the way?" I sighed, then lost it. I hit him, and that's all i remember. Next thing i remember was being in the jail. He is still in the ICU at our local hospital. I broke his right eye socket, shattered his nose, broke his jaw and all of his front teeth out. I watched the video from my friend once i got bailed out. I knocked him out with my first punch, then sat on top of him and kept hitting him. His lawyer tried to get me off of him and i punched him too, which, with what he claims "chipped my front tooth and broke my nose". Whatever. I saw on the video, myself grabbing my brass knuckles out of my coat pocket and hitting him in the ribs. I broke 2 of his ribs and cut his stomach, side, and chest all up.

I will be reporting to jail on Monday on aggravated battery charges, "intent to cause severe bodily harm and/or death", and battery on the lawyer. My lawyer says i'm looking at between 5-10 years in jail, if they can get a plea deal.

I'm free until monday.

So theres that. I have no expression at this point. I'm drunk, and that's how i'll stay until Monday.


**** it.