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  1. #21
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    Wife: Dear, I think I'm getting Alzheimers because I just can't seem to remember anything anymore.

    Me: Oh no; when did you first notice that?



    Wife: When did I first notice WHAT ?

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  3. #22
    jimicrk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pjost View Post
    Plumber crack

    Needs some crack spackle.

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  5. #23
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    I'm so into scrapping.. When my Steel Toe Boots Wear out, I cut the Steel out of them and recycle the Toe!

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  7. #24
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    A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
    spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
    can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
    don't know where I am."

    The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
    approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
    north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

    "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman,
    "How did you know?"

    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
    correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
    is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
    you've delayed my trip."

    The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied
    the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
    going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.

    You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
    beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
    position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
    Currently looking for a job in or related to scrap/recycling. Relocation is possible for the right offer.


  8. #25
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    Before you read this joke. i want everyone to know that i am blonde. ive heard these jokes all my life, thank you my dear family and friends.

    A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

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  10. #26
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    A man comes stumbling home so drunk he could barely see. When he wakes up in the morning, there is a glass of water, 2 aspirin , and a rose on the nightstand. He walks to the bathroom a little confused, and sees everything is perfectly clean and in order. He sees a black eye in the mirror, and is even more confused.

    As he heads downstairs, he notices everything is perfect except a broken coffee table, and his favorite breakfast is on the table. He finally see's he teenager, and asks what happened.

    He is told that he came stumbling in around 3 am, fell on the coffee table, then hit his head on the doorknob. After that, his wife tried to get him to bed, and he yelled "Leave me alone, I'm married"

    His wife is out shopping for a coffee table and steak for dinner.

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  12. #27
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    kid comes home from school and tells his dad that the teacher wants to have sex with him

    dad gets all excited and says you know son i always wished that happened to me. tell you what if you go through with it i will buy you a new bike

    few days later kid comes home and says guess what dad i did it. i had sex with my teacher

    dad gets all excited and days great lets go get that new bike now

    kid says, not right now dad. My butt still hurts

    this is wrong on so many levels but thats what keeps me smiling about it

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  14. #28
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    My friend says to me: "Did you hear about that blonde actress that killed her boyfriend with a fork?"
    Me: "No."
    Friend: "Yep, she stabbed him in the neck with her fork and killed him."
    Me: "OMG! Who was it?"
    Friend: "Oh, that blonde. I'm sure you know her. Reese....Reese...."
    Me: "Witherspoon?"
    Friend: "No, with her fork, dummy. Pay attention!"

    (Cannot believe I fell for that!)

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  16. #29
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    I bought some shoes of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
    Money is not the root of all evil, the love of money is.

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  18. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by pjost View Post
    I bought some shoes of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
    Those aren't polka dots, they are purple microdot laced.

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  20. #31
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    As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

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  22. #32
    BDAScrapper's Avatar
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    Kleptomaniacs never get puns..... They take everything literally
    If it's not bolted down it's mine, if it's bolted down and I can pry it up.....it's still mine....

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  24. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by BDAScrapper View Post
    Kleptomaniacs never get puns..... They take everything literally
    Nice word play
    I like that one
    There ain't nothing wrong with an honest days work. Anyone who says otherwise is a fool.- Old Man

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  26. #34
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    So Andrew Luck (QB of the Indianapolis Colts) grew out his beard all season for "Good Luck"
    Anyone else find it Ironic that his season came to an end at Gillette Stadium?
    Hmm Hmmm Hmmmm?

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  28. #35
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    ^^Now that is F'n funny right there...^^

    And any hockey player will tell you that only works if you stop shaving when play-offs start.
    Recyclable Material Merchant Wholesaler
    Certified Zip-Tie Mechanic
    "Give them enough so they can do something with it, but not too much that they won't do nothing."

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  30. #36
    ScrapperTrecycling's Avatar
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    What do you call a smart blonde?

    A Golden retriever.

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  32. #37
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    Loved the same woman for the past 25 years. It was a ***** when my wife found out!

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  34. #38
    BDAScrapper's Avatar
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    I tried to catch the fog today.... I mist....

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  36. #39
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    At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
    Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
    "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.
    The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
    "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

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  38. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by BDAScrapper View Post
    I tried to catch the fog today.... I mist....
    Know what they call an Italian fog??



    A bigga mist,,,
    P & M Recycling - Specializing in E-Waste Recycling.
    If you enjoy your freedom, thank a vet.

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